Facebook Guidelines for 2012

If your Facebook feed is anything like ours, you've got at least a handful of those people. Not naming names, but you know what we mean. (If we were posting that last statement to Facebook, by the way, it would violate guideline #6) If you don't know what we mean by "those people," then chances are, you are one. Frankly, everyone has been one of "those people" at some point, even us.

We're not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions because, well, they almost always get broken. So here we have compiled a list of guidelines that we all should try to follow to make Facebook a more tolerable place. We're in, how about you?

1) When posting pictures of food, stop and ask yourself, "It is funny, unique, or an epic fail?" If not, then do not post. That bucket of chili looks delicious to you because you can smell it, but it looks like a bucket of barf to the rest of us. If you are professional food photographer, then this does not apply to you. Keep being awesome and keep making us hungry.

2) No one needs to know about your bodily functions.Including, but not limitied to: #1, #2, or anything inserted into or ejected from those places.

3) Your child is potty trained? Hooray for you! Congratulations! Your child is graduating from diapers! Feel free to post a status update about your happiness, but those photos are best reserved for graduations, first boyfriends/girlfriends, weddings, grandmas, and other events where obligated to embarrass your child. Remember, things posted on the internet stay on the internet, and some way or another everyone will be able to see it. Even that creepy guy who lives down the street. This applied to naked baby photos as well.

4) You're in a new relationship? Fabulous! We're so glad two of our friends love each other so much! Ok, now please stop posting on each other's walls. Did you know that we can see that? Everyone can see that. No one wants to see that. Did you know you can text each other instead? Did you know that posting on each other's walls 20 times a day is co-dependent behavior and a sign of an unhealthy relationship?

5) What facebook needs more of: amusing animal photos, cute baby photos, things that make me pee my pants in laughter, and witty repartee. What facebook needs less of: duck lips, bathroom mirror photos, pictures of your "swimsuit area" (see #2), baby mama drama, preteens flashing gang signs, underage kids with beer (so cliche), and hipsters. Definitely less hipsters.

6) "Omg, some people are like so dramatic. I hate teh dramaz!!!!!!! Why U gotta hate? U kno who u r." Congratulations, you have just won a VagueBook award. Your prize is 3 people asking you "Wut's rong?" and 1 "Omg! Inorite?" and the alienation of the rest of your friends list. You've accomplished more in one poorly-spelled post than we have all morning. Thanks for making everyone at Conjunction Junction want to throw themselves off a caboose. Oh, and you just made Levar Burton Cry. (You probably don't even know who he is.)

7) Stop counting Facebook friends. Do you know how many real life friends you have? Count them instead. They're more valuable. Don't post about losing Facebook friends. The ones that de-friended you can't read it anyway, and the ones reading might start getting ideas. You know the old phrase "If you loan a man $10 and never see him again, it was probably worth it?" Yeah that applies to Facebook too.

8) Think twice before making life-changing announcements on Facebook. Have you told your close friends yet? Have you called your mother? Have you told the baby daddy? They won't like finding out about your pregnancy on Facebook, so make sure you've got your bases covered before hitting "post."

9) Don't be a Stormy McRainCloud. Everyone has bad days. You seem to have nothing but bad days. Though really, is running out of ice cream truly worthy of an "fml?" You seem to have a lot of problems; most of them of the "first world" variety. We would love to help you out, but we're too busy uploading our video of us playing the world's saddest song on the world's smallest violin. Feel free to look it up on YouTube.

10) Check your facts before you post. Stop making people panic with your virus scares. At least google them first. Seriously. And stop calling me a jerkface when I post a link in the comments identifying it as a hoax. Also, think before sharing. That kid with no pinky that will get a donor if he gets 100,000 shares? Yeah, I'm not sure how clicking the share button gets him any money. The only thing that accomplishes is clogging up everyone's news feed and making you look like a gullible moron. Also, we don't think Jesus approves of how you are making everyone feel guilty for not re-posting that status update. Also, he knows that you read this.

11) Do you see that little red squiggly line under that word you just typed? It's not there for decoration-- unless it's a proper name, that means UR DOIN IT RONG. Fortunately, Google can help with that. In fact, simply right-clicking the word will give you some options. Unless you've completely butchered the spelling, you should be able to find the correct word in that list. Start there. Decoder rings are obsolete (n. outdated) and nobody knows what your saying.

12) Students: What is seen cannot be unseen (and that goes both ways) so think twice before sending a friend request to your teachers.

13) Stop using so many capital letters, exclamation points, and needlessly repeated letters. All caps= yelling. Too many exclamation points= crazy. Needlessly repeated letters= drunk and/or having a stroke. Also, these things are in limited supply on the internet. They're like fossil fuels, we may eventually run out. Please save some for the rest of us.

We realize this is a fairly extensive list, and that not everything applies to all of you (oh, what a horrible place Facebook would be it did), and that incorporating all of it at once might be too much to ask. Progress is the goal here, not perfection. This year, let's all do our part to make Facebook a better place!

 Oh, and call your mother.

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"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step"  ~Optimus Prime